


Hard

by Teeelsie



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Episode-related 5.16, First Kiss, M/M, Pre-Slash to Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 01:29:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3433025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teeelsie/pseuds/Teeelsie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somehow, Danny goes away for the weekend with Amber, but winds up with Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hard

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to be a light little story that got rid of Amber and got our boys together, but somewhere in the writing, it turned into a darker and more angsty thing, trying to rectify what the hell has been going on with these two and explain why Danny went away with Amber. Not sure how/why that happened... hope it works... 
> 
> Thanks goes to to my beta, KippyVee, as always, for the quality editing, and also for encouraging me to post this when I had serious doubts.

 

 

Hard. Why was everything so hard when it should be so easy? Why did the dark, terrifying nightmares come when he had such a sweet, beautiful woman – one who cared about him – in his arms? The second time he jolted awake and Amber stirred, he left the bed, not wanting to disturb her any more than he already had. He paced and prowled around the house for a while, and finally went out to the hammock and curled up, hoping the cool breeze and swaying motion would chase away the worst of the dreams.

 

Fucking Reyes; he still haunted Danny’s nights on a regular basis. For a while, the dreams seemed to come less often, and he had thought maybe he was finally moving forward; the deep pit of despair seeming to be a little shallower lately. But now, here came Reyes again, barreling back into his subconscious and pulling him down again to wallow with him in the mud of his guilt.

 

He knows exactly what triggered it this time; it was Steve’s idiotic need to be heroic last week. Taking off his tac vest and walking up to that African murderer like it was nothing - like Danny wasn’t standing there dying just a little bit on the inside as he watched. But, then again, Steve was probably oblivious to exactly how Danny felt about that. He had left that crime scene furious, storming to the ice cream shop to confront Grace, only to witness the sweet innocence of puppy love, instead. The sight had caused him to reverse course on the spot - it hitting him like a two-by-four over the head how fortunate he was to get to witness something so beautiful and pure when the rest of his life was so filled with bleakness.

 

Instead of confronting Grace, Danny went home and ordered flowers for Amber. He wasn’t sure at the time why he was driven to do that, but as he lies in the hammock and considers the mess his life has become, he’s pretty sure he gets it now.  

 

For a while, a year or so ago, Danny actually thought maybe he and Steve were moving toward _something_ – whatever it was that seemed to be hovering between them for the last few years. Steve had virtually told Danny outright not to get in deeper with Gabby – that once you said you loved someone, it was hard to take those words back. So Danny had let Gabby go, thinking Steve was going to do the same with Catherine; but then suddenly Cath was working at 5-0 and she and Steve were closer than ever before.

 

Danny had been confused as hell about that, and he wanted to think that he must have completely misread the signals he thought he was getting from Steve. But, deep down, he didn’t believe he had; what he really thought was that Steve didn’t have the courage to face his feelings for Danny – for another man – and so he had run back into Catherine’s arms. At first, he had been angry and a little embarrassed, though thank God he had never made any kind of move that would have humiliated him further. Eventually, though, he had accepted the fact that he and Steve would never be more than friends and partners, and he tried not to let that wound fester.

 

And then he met Amber, and, resigned that there was no point in waiting for Steve, he had tried to move on.

 

By the previous spring, it had become clear to Danny that his life was in a bit of a shambles. He knew he was in love with Steve and moving forward was pretty fucking hard when you were in love with someone who didn’t return the sentiment – or at least couldn’t admit to it. Then his mother had shown up declaring she was divorcing his father, and – _NO_ – Danny could not watch as decades of marriage were thrown away. Danny was going to fix this one thing, at least, if it killed him… someone in his life had to be in love and happy, even if it wasn’t him.

 

He’d been successful, reuniting his parents and seeing them commit to each other once again. Danny was giddy with relief, and foolishly, thinking he was actually happy, but against his better judgment, he had slept with Amber, making yet another huge relationship mistake in a lifelong series of them. And the whole thing was made worse when Grace had practically caught them ‘in flagrante delicto’ - Jesus, wasn’t that just a fucking spectacular piece of parenting. He had gone to Steve, perhaps secretly hoping his partner would tell him that Amber was wrong for him, but Steve had laughed at him and accused him of being afraid of commitment. Fuck that; Danny wasn’t afraid of commitment – Amber just wasn’t the person he wanted to commit to. God damn Steve to hell… Danny was _still_ in love with him and he felt like a fool.    

 

In summary, Danny was a hot mess: he was trying not to pine for his partner; trying to make it work with a girl ten years younger than him; and he was still walking around every day waiting for the worst to happen. And then Danny had humiliated himself even further and confessed his deepest fears to Steve. While he wasn’t really thinking about what he was saying at the time, in retrospect, he realized he was testing the waters one last time, to see if there was something there between them. But Steve told Danny to embrace Amber – pull her in close – and told Cath to make reservations for sushi. He hated to admit it, but those words had hurt Danny more than the rebar in his gut, or the chemicals Steve had poured on the wound after yanking the offending metal from his body.

 

So Danny had walked away from the garage feeling adrift again… Yes, Steve had told him he loved him, ‘pal’, but he didn’t go to the hospital with Danny; instead he walked away to get sushi with Cath (okay, so really he walked away to meet with an asshole from the CIA without telling Danny, and maybe that actually hurt a little more). Steve was sending a pretty clear message – he wasn’t interested – so Danny looked toward Amber and tried, again, to move on with his life.

 

Then Afghanistan happened and he and Steve seemed to get right again. Danny went to try to find Steve, not because he was pining, but because Steve was the best friend he’d ever had, and the thought of losing him was more than Danny could consider. Finding Steve alive had been a miracle and Danny was not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. He finally, _finally_ , put aside his feelings for Steve and they settled back into their easy partnership. For the first time in a long time, Danny felt like he had some of his equilibrium restored; he and Steve were back on track, walking on parallel paths, and he and Amber actually seemed to be making it work.  

 

But then fucking Reyes showed up in his life and his whole world turned upside-down. Losing Matty the way he did threw Danny so far off kilter that he had been flailing for months now, trying to get his feet back under him, but slipping and sliding at every turn. He withdrew from the people who cared about him; too afraid of losing another person from his life and building barriers to keep them out. He stopped calling Amber, he started taking time off alone, and he and Steve moved completely out of alignment again. This time, Danny knew it was his fault; Matty’s death put a bend in Danny’s road and every step he and Steve took, took them farther and farther from each other as their paths diverged. Danny pulled away from everybody except Grace. Grace he’s been clinging to in a probably-unhealthy way: not letting her out of his sight; going off unreasonably on Steve when he left her on a public street for a few minutes; stalking her ice cream date.

 

And then suddenly Wo Fat was back and Danny’s next-worst nightmare seemed to be coming true. Danny kept his shit together long enough to get Steve back and get his partner through the crisis, but as soon as Steve seemed to be back on his feet, Danny went home one night, drank himself half-blind and took another step further from Steve. Danny’s self-loathing reached new heights as he emotionally bolted, too unstable himself to be able to continue to be of any help to his partner. He could not do it anymore. He knew he was in love with the man – the bastard… Danny had never really stopped being in love with him - so to watch him repeatedly almost get himself killed was too much. After Matty, it was just too much, and Danny built up another wall between himself and his partner.

 

Now, as Danny lies in the hammock contemplating the last miserable year or so of his life, he wonders whether the holes in his soul are even fillable; whether he’ll ever be able to repair them enough to let anyone in again, in a meaningful way. He lets himself think for just a couple of minutes about how Steve could fill those holes – how he had kept them half-full for years with just his friendship – but then he forces those thoughts away, knowing there isn’t any point in dwelling on something that will never be.

 

From his perch on the hammock, he glances back toward the house and realizes that what he is doing here with Amber isn’t fair. She is young, and lovely, and trusting, and Danny is using her. Using her to try to get over his brother’s death and move on with his life; using her to try to get over Steve and move on with his life; using her to try to find that connection with another human being that he has been so desperately lacking and move on with his life. He likes Amber – he cares for her, he really does - and maybe that’s why he knows he has to let her go. No more stringing her along – it’s time to put an end to this once and for all; he needs to let her move on with her life and he has to try to move on with his, too – such as it is.

 

When he wakes on the hammock a few hours later, Amber is there and she crawls in next to him. ‘Who’s Reyes’ she asks immediately. Christ, like that’s what he needs to know first thing in the morning after his night of gut-wrenching self-honestly – that he had been talking in his sleep during those nightmares last night. He had intended to tell Amber about the decision he had come to, but he is so emotionally strung out and tired that he decides to wait until later – when he has his head on a little more straight and can maybe be articulate about what he wants to say to her. Tonight, after dinner, but before they go to bed - because it is so not-fair to sleep with her again – he’ll tell her tonight…

 

\-----

 

Danny wakes slowly, consciousness coming in incremental steps. He can’t quite pry his eyes open yet, but he understands immediately that he is in a hospital bed; he hears the familiar buzz and hum, small pings and distant announcements. The pain comes next, and quite suddenly. His head throbs and his side burns - though both are dull pains, masked by pleasant drugs - and he can feel the tug of the IV lines in his hand.        

 

As he settles into consciousness, he becomes aware of fingers (a hand?) gently stroking over his scar from the parking garage, which is still slightly sensitive nearly a year later. Danny struggles to open his eyes; he needs to see… to ground himself in his surroundings. It takes him several more minutes as he slips in and out of the fog he is in before he manages to work his eyelids open. When his vision finally comes into focus, we wonders if he’s awake or still dreaming; instead of Amber, as he expects to see for some reason, sitting next to him, he sees Steve – head down, eyes closed, the first two fingers of his left hand lightly rubbing across Danny’s lower, right abdomen.

 

Danny tries to make sense of what he sees and tries to piece together what he remembers. The last thing he remembers is being in the water with Amber at the beach house – after that, everything is a blank. So if he is here in a hospital bed, where the hell is … “Amber…?” he croaks out, suddenly very concerned.

 

Steve’s head jerks up at the sound of Danny’s voice and Danny can see that his eyes are red and his face is drawn. “Uh, she’s fine, Danny. She’s giving her statement.”

 

“Statement? About what? What happened?” Each word is a struggle, his throat dry beyond reason. He tries to shift himself slightly more upright, but the movement sends pain rocketing through his body and he stops abruptly and groans, curling in on himself a little.

 

“Hey, lie still, be careful, you’ll pull your stitches,” Steve tells him urgently, eyes wide with concern.

 

Danny settles quickly back down, primarily to try to rid his body of the pain that is still pulsing through his abdomen. “What happened?” he repeats.

 

“What do you remember?” Steve asks tentatively.

 

“Uh, nothin’, really… nothing that explains why I’m lying in this bed anyway. I was… I was with Amber…” Danny screws up his face and tries to remember something, but still, nothing comes back to him.

 

“That’s it? Nothing else?”

 

“Jesus, you think I’m playing games here? I don’t remember! Will you just tell me what happened already,” Danny grits out, then closes his eyes in pain again.

 

“Okay, okay… take it easy, buddy,” Steve says with a hand on Danny’s stomach. “Um, so, it looks like Amber’s ex – actually her husband…” Steve pauses while he lets that sink in.

 

Danny looks at Steve in surprise and lets out a small, pained noise. “Husband?”

 

“Yeah… yeah, her husband, Danny. She’s been married for several years, but it looks like the guy was abusive and she came to Hawaii trying to get away from him.”

 

“Okay… okay…” Danny pauses, absorbing that bit of information. “All right, so, what the hell happened?”

 

“It looks like her ex tracked her to Hawaii and then tracked the two of you to the beach house. According to Amber, he got the drop on you and knocked you out. He was apparently going after her when you came around and moved to stopped him. You two fought and he stabbed you.”

 

“Well, I guess that explains why my head and gut hurt so much.”

 

“Yeah, probably.”

 

“But, Amber’s okay?” Danny asks with renewed concern.

 

“Yeah, yeah, she’s fine, Danny.”

 

“Okay, good… What… what happened to the guy?” Danny asks softly; he’s losing steam fast and he knows it.

 

“Uh, well, you apparently beat the crap out of him,” Steve smiles tightly and nods toward Danny’s right hand. Danny glances down and flexes his fingers, noticing the slight pain there for the first time. “And then Amber, she got you to your car to take you to the hospital, but this guy caught up with you two and, uh, then Amber, she uh, she hit him with the car. She killed him, Danny.”

 

Despite his exhaustion, Danny is suddenly alert, his head off the pillow. “She… she killed him?”

 

“Yeah, she did.”

 

“How is she? Is she okay?”

 

“Yeah, she’s good, Danny. She wasn’t hurt, and she seems… okay, with what she had to do.”  

 

“Jesus,” Danny sighs, putting his head back down onto the pillow.

 

“Listen, the doctors said you need to rest, so… get some sleep, huh?”

 

“Yeah… okay…” Danny slurs, falling quickly back to sleep.

 

\-----

 

The next time Danny wakes up to see Steve by his bed, it’s the next morning. This time, Steve sees his eyes flickering and grabs his hand, startling Danny a little. Danny opens his eyes fully and sees Steve leaning in close, a worried expression staring back.

 

“Hey, Danno, how’re you feeling?”

 

“Uh, okay… better, I guess.” The closeness; the concern on his face; the hand clutching his own… it’s too much, given the inner turmoil he has been experiencing lately, and Danny pulls his hand away, feigning an itch. Steve withdraws his hand and tucks it back down in his lap.  

 

“The, uh, the doctor said you could probably go home later this afternoon, if you feel up to it.”

 

“You know, I don’t care if I feel up to it or not, I want to get the hell out of here and get back into my own bed as soon as possible. I hate hospital beds.”

 

“Um, where’s Amber?” Steve asks. “I would’ve come back sooner but I expected her to be here with you.”

 

“Uh… Amber – or Melissa – and I came to a mutual agreement last night that this relationship was probably not the best thing for either of us right now.”

 

“Danny, I’m sorry….”

 

Danny waves him off. “Don’t be. I was stupid to think that it would work in the first place.” A twinge in his side makes him reach for his self-administered morphine, pushing the button and feeling the almost instantaneous rush; he closes his eyes as the warm relief washes over him.

 

“Why would you say that, Danny?”

 

“Why not?” Danny sighs. “I’m a complete mess and we both know it.” Danny is getting drowsy now, his voice thick and his head foggy. “Matty… you… I shouldn’t be trying to have a relationship with someone else right now…” his eyes blink slowly as the morphine takes hold.

 

“What do you mean ‘me’ Danny?” Steve asks, giving him a penetrating look.

 

“Huh?” he asks, turning toward Steve and seeing an intense look on his face. Danny realizes what he just almost revealed and closes his eyes, trying to salvage what little self-respect he might have left. “Nothin’. I… I didn’t mean anything… Ignore me… I’m not thinking straight,” he says before he slips back into unconsciousness.      

 

\-----

 

Danny startles from his sleep, Marco Reyes dancing at the edges of his mind. Fuck – will this ever end? He sits up, grimacing at the sharp pain in his side, and swings his legs over the side of his bed. He gets up slowly and makes his way toward the kitchen to get some water, hoping the walk, the light, the water, will all clear his head some more. As he passes through the living room, he is surprised to hear a soft - “Hey” - come from the corner. Looking over, he sees Steve beginning to sit up from where he has apparently been sleeping on the couch.

 

“What’re you doing here?” Steve had brought him home hours earlier when he had been released from the hospital. He had helped Danny change (much to Danny’s discomfort, feeling too vulnerable and raw for the intimacy of such an act), and got him into bed, and then as far as Danny knew, he had left.

 

“I thought I should stay… in case you needed anything – make sure you were okay.”

 

“Well, that’s very… sweet… of you, I guess. But, I’m a grown man, Steven, and I really don’t need a babysitter. The doctors wouldn’t have released me if I wasn’t okay.”

 

“What are you doing up?”

 

“I just wanted some water,” Danny said, hobbling toward the kitchen again, Steve following closely behind.

 

“You had another nightmare, didn’t you?”

 

“Another?”

 

“It’s not the first…”

 

“How the hell would you know?” Danny asks, becoming annoyed with his partner’s need to always be right.

 

“Danny, the two of us have spent the night in each other’s presence more than a few times. About six months ago, you started thrashing around and talking in your sleep – and waking up a lot. It’s obvious you’re having nightmares – I assume about Reyes.”

 

Danny blinks at Steve, unsure what to say to that. He turns away, grabbing a glass from the cupboard, aware that his face is flushed in embarrassment. “Well, you’re just super tactful, aren’t you?”

 

“Danny, it’s nothing to feel bad about – it’s not unusual for people to have nightmares, especially after going through the things you have.”

 

“Oh, thank you very much, Dr. Freud. Any other pearls of wisdom for me?” Danny’s irritation is growing. “Why are you here, exactly?”

 

“I told you, I was worried about you and wanted to make sure you were okay.”

 

“And I told you… I’m fine, so you can go now.”

 

“Hey, Danno. What’s wrong?” Steve asks softly.

 

“What? I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean. What’s _wrong_ with me? Well, for starters, I got stabbed, so maybe that’s something that’s wrong with me. Oh, and, that’s right, the woman I was dating turned out to be pretty much a complete stranger, but what the hell, it’s not like I was really invested in that relationship anyway. Is that enough – or do you want more? How about this… my brother was killed – murdered actually - because I couldn’t manage to protect his stupid ass, and to top everything else, I’ve got a partner who seems determined to get himself killed, too. So, how’s that, Steve? Is that enough going on with me? For what? To be having maybe a nightmare or two and up in the middle of the night? Do I get your stamp of approval for ‘completely fucked up’ yet?”

 

“Are you done?” Steve asks with an edge to his voice.

 

“Yeah, sure. I’m done. Now why don’t you get the hell out of here and we can both try to get some sleep.”

 

“I’m not leaving, Danny.”

 

“Of course you’re not. Because when the hell does Steve McGarrett ever do anything other than exactly what he wants – screw what the rest of the world thinks! Fine. Stay. I don’t give a shit. I’m going back to bed.”

 

Danny sets his glass hard onto the counter and starts to head out of the kitchen. But Steve grabs his arm as he passes and stops him. Danny looks down at Steve’s hand on his arm and then back up into Steve’s eyes; he hopes he isn’t telegraphing the deep hurt and anger he feels at the loss of something he never had, but he knows Steve sees it anyway.

 

“Danny. What did I do?”

 

“ _Fuck_. I really cannot do this right now.”

 

“Do what?”

 

“This… have this conversation.”

 

“Danny…”

 

“Can you _please_ , just leave it alone?”

 

Danny starts to walk away again, but again, Steve grabs his arm and pulls him back, this time wrapping his other hand around Danny’s neck and pulling him in for a searing kiss. It takes a second for Danny to respond, but he does – for about three seconds – before he rips his mouth away, breathing hard.

 

“Don’t! Jesus Christ, McGarrett! What the hell are you doing to me?!”

 

“Danny…” Steve starts, pausing… unsure what to say.

 

Danny looks at him with wild eyes. “Fuck! _What?_ What are you doing?”

 

“I… I thought you wanted this,” Steve says, uncertainty in his voice.

 

“You thought I _wanted_ this? I _did_ want this… a _year_ ago, I wanted this! _Fuck!_ ”

 

“And now?”

 

“Now? You’re such an asshole, you know that? You basically _told_ me to break up with Gabby, so I ended the best relationship I’d had in years only to have you turn around and pull Catherine so far into your life that there was no room for me. And then you shoved me toward Amber, telling me ‘bring her in close’, so I did! You left no room for _us_ in your life Steve, and now, what? Now, I’m finally maybe finding a way forward after all the shit with Matty and _now_ you want me to, what? Break up with another girlfriend and wait around to see if maybe this time you can gather up your courage enough to finally do this thing with me?”

 

“You told me you and Amber already broke up.”

 

“Yeah, well, fuck you – it’s the principle of the thing.”

 

“What does that even _mean_?”

 

“Christ – we are _not_ communicating tonight are we? But, what’s new, I guess, right?” Danny laughs a humorless laugh.

 

“Danny, look, you’re absolutely right. I know I gave you mixed signals last year and I’m really sorry about that. I was… I was scared, I guess. I _wasn’t_ ready to do this thing with you… with us.”

 

“Oh, but now you’re ready so, what? I’m supposed to just put aside all the bullshit you’ve put me through in the last year and fall into your arms? What changed your mind all of a sudden? _Huh?_ ”

 

“That phone call, Danny. And… and seeing you in that bed… it finally hit me how I can’t live without you… if something happened to you…”

 

Danny laughs harshly at the irony of that. “You do realize how incredibly hypocritical that is, right? I mean, Jesus Christ, Steve, I have been pleading with you for _years_ to stop taking chances with your life. Do you actually _get it_ now? Because God help me, if you do, I will go to that asshole’s funeral and personally thank him for helping you see the light!” Danny laughs again.

 

“I get it, Danny, I get it.”

 

“Good… now get out,” Danny demands, his anger boiling within him.  

 

But Steve doesn’t move; instead he grabs both of Danny’s arms and stares into Danny’s eyes. “Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll walk away. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want this, and I’ll never mention it again.”

 

Danny looks at Steve but doesn’t say anything – his mind warring with itself. On the one hand, he’s so pissed at Steve right now that he could punch him; but on the other hand… Jesus, he does love this idiot in front of him. In the end, there’s no real question what his answer will be. He closes his eyes. “Fuck you… I hate you,” he says, but it comes out with far more affection than anger. When he opens his eyes again, it is to see a smile spreading across Steve’s face.

 

“No you don’t… you love me.”

 

“Of course I do, you son of a bitch… I have for years and you know it.”

 

“I do know it,” Steve says as he pulls Danny gently into his arms, cognizant of his injury and careful not to hurt him. “And I’m really sorry it’s taken me this long to tell you that I love you, too. There’s no one more important to me than you are, Danny,” Steve murmurs into the side of Danny’s head.

 

Danny lets out a small, pained noise, as those words sink in and he closes his eyes and shudders a little. “Just… just please don’t leave,” Danny says with a shaky voice, not entirely sure if he means this minute or forever.

 

“Never again, Danny… Never again.”

 

Maybe - Danny thinks - maybe things won’t have to be so hard anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I always love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading!


End file.
